Hearing the news of his brother Mandel the
Marooned's failure.
Torgan, vowed on everything that he
held holy to avenge his brother's marooning.
Torgan as a boy had rejected the botanist ways of his
ancestor
Borgen The Blue and instead of life, had invested in death. He was a weapons specialist.
Up until this time,
Torgan had been a gigantic failure as a weapon specialist. He had chosen the job hastily
and in all honesty would much rather be following his real dreams of becoming the manager of a Howard Johnson
Hotel(which is still the dream of every Norwegian Male). In his heart he understood that his family name must
be avenged.
He worked day and night and like most Norwegians he was filled with hot air that continuously inhibited his work.
This was largely due to the Norwegians love of pancakes which caused massive gas build up as it ate them from the
inside out. It made the progress slow and
tedious, but one day he thought of all that hot air that most
Norwegians held on a daily basis and about how strong in fact that part of the anatomy had become due to this
affliction.
A light as bright as the sun lit up in
Torgan's small pine-cone battered mind and in a fury of thoughts and grunts
he
proceeded to think of the now infamous "Anatomy Cannon".
Torgan's genius was insanity of a cholesterol fueled
kind. The kind only a pancake addict raised in a Howard Johnson's storage room could possibly have. He thought
if Norwegians could swallow
pine-cones whole and then "cannon" them out, the pressure would be enormous. This
pressure would so great that not even body armor would be able to slow down the pine-cones of death.
Torganemitted tears of joy as he realized the Norwegians scrawny
flaccid arms would no longer be the down fall of their
clan. They could now fight the Pine-Coning Swedes with strength, force and fluidity.
Torgan immediately gathered the small and battered Norwegian army and in a speech worthy to be the Gettysburg
Address he gathered their support and cholesterol driven insanity, and marched with purpose towards Stockholm.
Tragon The Three Legged(who was very popular with the ladies I might add), who was
Schloss The
Spectacular's brother
had received news of the uprising through his
Nokia phone(I don't even think that's chronologically correct).
In a fury of
feverish finger mashing he
proceeded to text the entire Swedish Army and they met on the South
side of Stockholm.
Within minutes the Norwegians arrived and as one can imagine the "Anatomy Cannons" had to be fired from a very
compromising position. This sight of this initially flabbergasted and disgusted the powerful Swedes. They were
frozen in shock and couldn't respond.
What snapped them out of it was the horrendous ripping sound as the first Pine-Cones exploded in fury out of the
"Anatomy Cannon". The first wave of Pine Cones rained down in a wicked torrential hell of
stench and glory. As the cannon fired pine-cones struck the flabbergasted Swedes body parts began to fly in a
spattering of blood and gore that had never been seen before. It was almost poetic in a hellish way.
Wave after wave of Swedes fell in the first tragic hours of this historical battle and
Torgan had began think
that the Norwegians had struck back.
Tragon The Three Legged
proceeded to call for reinforcements and in a matter of a few short minutes
Schloss The
Spectacular with his army of Swedish man models arrived on the scene. In a move that has puzzled scholars for
decades
Schloss raised his massive Swedish arms and screamed "Give me back my family"(we still don't understand
this)!
Schloss' team of man models did help the Swedes as they were ferocious fighters with gigantic muscular arms.
However, the Swedes were still losing the battle as it raged into the night. The Norwegian attack had failed.
What
Torgan The Torn had not accounted for was the ill effects that swallowing pine-cones whole and then cannoning
them out would have on the Norwegians internals. As the night went on Norwegians started dropping like hookers in church
due to the internal bleeding. By the time the next morning had arrived even
Torgan had fallen.
The Norwegians lost 75% of their army due to internal injuries suffered from their own doing.
Torgan himself had survived
because his families anatomy had become quite resistant to pine cones. He however did spend the rest of his life having
to eat strictly liquids due to the tearing internal. Because of this, he was aptly named
Torgan The Torn.
The Swedes had won the battle but had suffered massive casualties. December 20
th is now remembered as the "Butt Battering of 1919".
