Inflatible Gorillas

Giant inflatible gorillas...who on god's green earth came up with the idea that the best way to advertise a car dealership is by inflating a 45ft fake gorilla. The person that came up with this idea should've been swallowed at birth. On that note I need to get one of these and put it in my front yard to see how long it takes before the cops are called. I'm personally appalled.

Pancakes, Cholesteroled Cakes O' Death

Speaking of plagues on humanity, pancakes are a completely unnecessary evil. I mean look at them...all spongy and nasty, over-sweetened, over cholesteroled cakes of death. So actually, I guess the biggest plague on humanity would be IHOP...the international house of pancakes. I mean they have like 50 different kinds of pancakes, and the CEO even looks like a flippin' pancake. What bothers me even more is the fact that some people try to cover up pancakes true identity by calling them "flap jacks". Those people are spawns of satan...and you are being watched. So go ahead and eat your pancakes; be killed from the inside out by their evil poison. Just remember that the Emir warned you.....I bet they where even invented in Norway, while they were building their 900th Howard Johnson is Oslo.

The Marooning Of Mandel

On this day in history...August 31st 1917. After much protest--and the sweat, tears and blood of many generations. The Norwegian Anti Pine Cone party succeeded in the outlaw of all decorational pine cones. The movement was led by Mandel The Marooned; a descendent of the great Norwegian botanist Borgen The Blue. Mandel was tired of the constant reminder of his great grandfathers catastrophic failure, and finally succeeded in a landslide victory--the removal of all pine cones.The Swede's found his sissy whimpering extremely amusing. Faking general concern and sympathy; they invited Mandel to Stockholm--promising an honest apology. Being a completely nutty Norwegian--Mandel obliged, and left for Sweden on September 8th.

When he arrived, he was greated by Schloss The Spectacular--a Swedish man model. Schloss had the most enormous Swedish arms in history--I'm talking massive. Schloss greated Mandel...with arms wide open you might say, and immediately took him on stage at the great Stockholm Opera house. There was a huge crowd that day, and the festivities were about ready to begin. Schloss introduced Mandel to the public. He also informed them that Mandel was Borgen's great grandson. The crowd errupted in an applause you'd be more likely to hear at a Britney Spears concert, and Schloss then screamed, "let the festivities begin!".With the swiftness of ten men crammed into a jar of peanut butter, Schloss produced a Norwegian Spruce Pine the size of a small Saab automobile. Schloss hoisted the cone over his head, and then--with blistering speed and a generally horrific masochism--Schloss brought the pine cone down on Mandel.The world had never seen such a splattering of gore and crimson red. They had also never heard such chilling sounds of bone wrecking-pine cone ravaged hell. Most people in the audience would even tell you they were personally appalled.

After the chaos, the pine cone sat there--painted red...with little spots of matter. Schloss consoled the group and told them that Mandel would be fine in just a few months.Schloss was right, after spending just 3 days in a Swedish hospital Mandel was back on his feet again and even more marooned then ever. It turns out, that through the years--the Norwegians had built quite an immunity towards pine cones. As part of his punishment for being the descendent of Borgen,

The Swede's sent him back to Norway in a special edition Volvo--painted with a mural of pine cones. Mandel was humiliated, outcast, and just generally laughed at--and thus was named Mandel The Marooned.

Borgen The Blue

On this day in history...August 18, 1834...Great Norwegian botanist Borgen The Blue was determined to make a more aerodynamic pine cone in order for the Norwegians to better defend themselves against the Pine Coning Swedes. After years in the laboratory Borgen succeeded in making what is now known as the Norwegian Spruce Tree.

The Norwegian Spruce produced pine cones very similar to the shape of an American football. The first pine cone flowered this day in 1834 and the nutty Norwegians immediately planned an attack on the Swede's so that they could reunite the countries. What Borgen failed to realize is that the Norwegians were comparitively weak next to the massive much better looking Swede's...The pine cone's failed to travel much further than regular ones thrown by scrawny Norwegian arms. But the Swedes where bombastic, quick, and ravenous...In fact, never in history have pine cones been thrown so swiftly, so accurately, and so brutally.

The Norwegian's retreated back to the border, and during the night began to build yet another Howard Johnson. During the building, the Swede's brought on a swift surprise attack. The Norwegians, were driven all the way back to Oslo--and never again had the marbles to attack the far superior Swede's. Borgen was outcast; he never recovered and was thus named Borgen The Blue.